every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
