so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
