i was born a porn star she said
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
