i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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