For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
