$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She bit a glass in half.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
