Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
