I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
