Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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