Tell her she can't have a vagina
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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