Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You brought string cheese to the strip club
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
