did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
