I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
