I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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