Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
