I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
