I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
