I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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