Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
