he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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