It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
