i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
