Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
