so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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