Don't make out with my wife yet
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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