My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
