If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
is wine microwaveable?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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