yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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