i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
