I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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