Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
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