sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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