You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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