Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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