My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
