im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
