You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
