A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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