homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
