At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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