The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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