I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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