you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
