Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
