She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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