It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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