If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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