i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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