she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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