I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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