I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I think a kid would responsible me up
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
