i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
