Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
