I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
