lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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