at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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