I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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