So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
