Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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