Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
