i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize