you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
