One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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