you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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