Your mouth is God's brothel.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
