Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
