Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
