My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
