I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize