I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
as a side note pls kill me
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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