Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
